September 2021 – Update
It’s 8:48 am, PDT.
I have a “day off” today.
That’s good, I’ve been working straight the last couple of weeks and have been crazy busy, which is on one hand very good, but on another, it does get tiring.
A lot going on. Too much to type. I’ll have to podcast soon, but I’m lagging on that front. I haven’t put out an episode in a while.
BUT, friend, if you are here on FindYourFlow.com reading this and checking out the podcast, there are newer episodes that are NOT showing up on this site.
I moved the hosting of the podcast and so the feed is good, but you may have to subscribe to it if you haven’t already so that you can stay up-to-date with new releases.
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Okay, so there’s that.
So many things going on, stuff I can’t share yet. Other stuff that is just tiring to think about or talk about.
Maybe I’ll record it into an episode or two, but timing is of the essence as is location.
I plan to take a drive out to Old Town today, we’ll see.
I want to visit the tobacco shop there again.
Last time Elena and I went on a date to Old Town, we stopped by the tobacco store.
It is very “Old West” out there and it really vibed with me.
My grandpa was big into western movies and shows.
He carried a six-shooter in his vehicle.
When I was a teenager, I used to have a lot of nightmares.
Actually, even before that, but they didn’t go away as I got older.
When I was younger, some of them when I was younger would involve Freddy Krueger, from the movie Nightmare on Elm St.
I never even saw the movies, I was/am way too scared.
But just seeing the commercials and knowing the plot was too much for me.
I would have these nightmares and he would catch me and use his long knife fingernails into my back left shoulderblade.
I would be writhing in pain and trying to wake up but couldn’t.
Eventually, I would wake up, but it was not fun.
As I got older, I had less Freddy dreams thank goodness.
But I started having more sleep paralysis experiences.
You know, where you are asleep, but aware you’re asleep, but your spirit/astral body can’t move because it isn’t reconnected with the physical body?
I would have those experienes and try to alter my breathing, or slowly start to wiggle to try to get back into my body.
I sometimes encountered freindly awesome beings.
But jsut as often, I would encounter dark forces.
When Elena and I started dating, and she started sleeping with me, it was really helpful in this because whenever I would get “stuck” and couldn’t get back into my body, I would start to hyperventilate the body and Elena would hear it and slowly shake the body until I could reconnect and wake up.
It was really something that helped me sleep better knowing that I wouldn’t get stuck as often.
Around that time I also started realizing that a certain plant medicine helped me sleep and not have the nightmares or get stuck as often.
One night, I had a dream, I was a cowboy, riding a horse, chasing a bad guy. Or maybe I was being chased?!
Because next thing I knew, I was getting shot in the back. Yup, left shoulder blade!
I could feel the hot lead filling my back and as I turned around to see who had shot me in the back like a yellow-bellied toad, to my surprise, I saw a face that I recognized!
When my family moved us down from Los Angeles to San Diego, one of my first encounters at my new school, on the first day, was on the soccer field.
We were playing soccer during PE and I went for the soccer ball by sliding and kicking the ball while a player on the other team was dribbling it.
I kicked the ball right on the button and he tripped over it and flew to the ground.
It was an accident, but this guy thought it was on purpose.
He got up and immediately got in my face.
People circled around to see if there would be a fight.
I am not a fighter, but, I’m also not a chump. I prefer peace, but have enough experience to know that peace isn’t always an option.
I apologized as it was an accident, but it wasn’t enough for this guy, his pride had been hurt.
Fortunately, another kid stepped in and got in this guy’s face.
I sensed that they may have had some history of their own.
The guy backed down, and from that day on we were mortal enemies.
Then, that dream.
When I turned around and saw who shot me in the back, I saw that guy’s face.
Maybe our history went back further than I realized.
Over the years, we had a few other interesting interactions.
There was always a tension between us.
I used to spend way too much energy thinking about revenge, justice, etc.
But as I got older, I started to let it go.
I saw him again one time, outside of school, and saw that he had a scowl on his face.
It occurred to me that he was fighting his own battles.
Battles that I could only imagine.
And the ultimate opportunity here was for me to forgive him in this lifetime, and any others that we have had together.
I have the opportunity here and now to feel LOVE for him and that experience.
I am no saint.
I am not perfect.
I have spent years with a scowl on my face as life has beaten me down.
Who am I to judge?
I was there, and its got that very Old Timey kinda feel, and the buildings are old, and the guys working at the tobacco shop are all dressed in old west attire, and it all felt very familiar to me.
The smell of the store, the clothes, the weather, all super familiar.
I saw the tobacco pipes they sell there and found myself somewhat fascinated.
I decided that I might come back later and get one.
Elena and I then went and ate and a restaurant down the street, and on our way back stopped by the tobacco shop again.
This time, I knew that I was going to buy a pipe and some tobacco.
NOW, here’s the thing friend.
This is a bad habit.
This is unhealthy.
I do not want to promote something that is unhealthy.
I love kids and want to be a positive influence on kids and adults alike.
This is not a good thing to start doing.
It’s maybe kinda stupid.
But, also, as I’m setting there, I have a bandage on my head from where I just had cancer removed from my forehead.
I have been pretty darn careful my whole life around the sun, and tried to wear sunscreen and hats as often as possible.
And yet, I got cancer, not just on my forehead, but my lip too.
It reminds me that the timid get caught as often as the bold.
I can play it safe and still get hit with things beyond my control.
I do not advocate unhealthy habits, but I also try to be as open and honest as I can with this blog and the podcast.
Taking some time here and there to sit and be mindful does not require a pipe or cigar, or cigarette.
But, it can help.
And sometimes, its the little things that make the biggest difference.
Sometimes the person who eats red meat all day and night while drinking alcohol and chain-smoking outlives the person who juices and runs marathons.
I judge neither.
I seek to find my flow.
And I encourage you to find your flow.
No, I don’t just encourage you…I DECLARE TO YOU: FIND YOUR FLOW!
LIVE YOUR LIFE!
LET FREEDOM RING!!!
And until next time my friend…be flowing!
–Winston “the Find Your Flow guy” Widdes
Photo Credit: https://unsplash.com/@fotographyfanatik